So I thought I'd try something new on this blog. It's a little something I like to call

"Just be F*cking Honest"

Here's an email conversation I've been having the past couple of days. I've changed some names to protect the innocent.

"Hey,
I think I need to apologize for an early morning phone call on Sunday. I
checked my phone when I woke up on Sun. and saw that I called you (and
others) I actually don't remember calling so I'm kind of (a lot)
embarrassed and sorry. Please don't hate me.
Shae"

"I don't respond to drunken callers!!! :)
Stay off the sauce...you worry me! -Michael"

"I worry me too. I'm stopping. Thanks for not hating me ;)"

"Are you really? You do need to stop...so does Jack. You should call him!
He is starting to go to AA again--maybe you could go together. :)
No hate here, only love!
Michael"

"Yeah, I don't like who I am when I drink and I can't seem to control it so
I have to get some help. I've been talking to Sarah a lot lately and
she said that she would go with me to some meetings maybe. I get kinda
scared thinking about it though. And I don't know if I would actually
label myself an alcoholic but I do know that I have compulsion issues with
certain things so, we'll see. "

"Shae!
It is good that you can admit that you can't control it. You are not "you"
when you are like that. That is good you are talking to Sarah; I had
forgotten that she struggled with Alcholism. What do you mean maybe? Will
she or will she not go with you? :) What about going with Jack? Bad idea?
Are the meetings mixed-sex?
Don't be scared--God has brought you to this point for a reason; you need
to deal with this now. Don't wait...don't wait. Do you remember when you
were scared to lead a small group? How did that turn out? Pretty damn well
if I do recall.
Alcoholic? Do you have trouble limiting your drinks? Do you have trouble
stopping once you get past a certain point? Do you crave the taste? What
do you do when you have trouble in your life--drink? Do you really think
it is just a compulsion manifesting itself through the drinking of
alcohal? Questions! :)
Shae, you can do this, and God will certainly help you...
That is my sermon for the day. Sorry!
Michael"

"She has said that she will go with me. I just have to make myself go. I'm
pretty sure that most of the meetings are mixed but I don't know that I
would feel comfortable trying to go with Jack. If I'm being really honest
I think that he's just too green/volatile/unsteady right now? (don't get
me wrong I love him and hope the best for him but he makes me nervous in
that way) Does that make sense?
I know I have to do something. Yeah, I kinda kicked ass at leading small
group huh. Whatever, that's so not how I feel. I feel so far from the
person I was at that point in my life. Before Monday I hadn't talked to
God or read anything remotely related to God in months. I just feel
disappointed in myself. Oh my gosh, cry me a river. Sorry.
Yeah, okay, I get it, I have a problem with alcohol. I know that, but
maybe I justify it by being like well I'm not as bad as this person or
that person so I'm okay. And for me it's not just alcohol it's lots of
different things. That's why I think I'm apprehensive to label myself, you
know?
Don't say sorry, I like your sermons. And thank you.
Shae"

"Ra-shae!
It is good that you recognize that it is other things as well--not just the booze. It is tough not to compare to other people's level of addiction and think that you are not as bad as them. It is somewhat comforting to do so, but it is an excuse to not take action. Do you think it matters where others are at if you know that you have a problem with where you are at? It is a scary label, but God has the power to take that label away from you if you will take the small steps now...
It does not matter how you feel--the fact is you did do well as a small group leader. I point that out because that was an example of how you took on something that scared the hell out of you and you moved forward anyway and it worked out. Right? Am I right? thank you.
The main point is that you need to connect with God again so that he can begin working with you to make the changes that you desire. Maybe we can go to Church sometime. Consider it.
Yes, your comments about Jack make complete sense. Sorry I didn't see that.
Take the small step of commiting to go to one meeting with Sarah--that is all you are doing at this point.
See ya,
Michael"